Lesson of Life
by anaknisatanas
Summary: Harry discovers that pain is not his salvation and finds himself in a somewhat serious discussion with Snape as a result.


A loud slap echoed off the walls of the hidden dungeon room. Harry Potter's head snapped to the side, a red print standing out in sharp contrast to his pale skin. Harry lifted his hand up to the side of his face, checking the damage.

"Look at you Potter," The petulant voice taunted him. "You barely even feel at all. You never deserved your godfather, you don't deserve your friends. Admit it, you can't feel anything unless I give this to you."

This time a fist hit him in the gut. Harry doubled over, the pain vibrating through his body. He had long since stopped healing the non-visible injuries so that he could remember the pain, feel it throughout his day. He made no noise as another fist hit him in the sternum but when he was hit in the sternum again he heard it crack and he groaned, falling to his feet.

A hand reached out and grabbed his hair roughly, pulling his head back so that green eyes met hard silver ones.

"Say it Potter," The gray eyes no longer begged like they used to, Harry missed it so he stayed quiet.

"Fine," The hand shoved his head forward and it crashed sickeningly into the wall, a cut forming at his hairline.

Blood was running down his face, into his eyes and mouth. It tasted different now, no longer punishment and redemption. It was just blood, nothing more. Harry did not like that, he needed to feel so he could live.

A muttered spell and he was naked. He felt no shame, he knew who was in the room with him and this was nothing different although it did not happen every time, only when he was regressing. It seemed that he was regressing more and more now, he did not understand it.

The hard leather switch hit the backs of his thighs. Still he made hardly any noise at all. The welts over welts burned at him accusingly, telling him that they were his redemption and punishment but it was not the same. The switch struck him a few more times and each time it burned and stung.

"All right Potter," The voice sounded hard now and he knew that he was in for a really rough time. "Get on your hands and knees, now! I'm going to make you say it again and again."

Harry complied easily, swaying slightly from the blood loss from his gash. His vision swam before him but he no longer cared. The switch struck his back, hard enough that it cut through his skin. He hissed at the pain, welcoming it but it no longer felt like salvation. He began to worry. It was no longer working no matter how much he wanted it to. The switch hit his back again. And again. And again.

Finally he gave in, not because he felt anything but because it wasn't working.

"You're the only one who makes me feel Draco," He said as loud as he could.

Draco stopped, the switch raised and poised for another strike on his back. The blond Slytherin smirked and dropped the piece of leather. He stopped the blood from flowing and pulled Harry up roughly from the floor.

"Come on Potter," Draco said. "I get my reward now."

Harry nodded forcing a small smile on his lips. It was so easy when he was numb. Draco didn't notice, to eager to get him over to the bed. Harry let himself be led even though he wasn't in the mood. It didn't matter, nothing seemed to at the moment.

Draco didn't bother preparing him. He pushed him up onto the bed and Harry moved onto his hands and knees. Draco thrust right in, in and out fast, hitting Harry's prostate each and every time. Harry was soon hard but he didn't seem to care. He came just before Draco. The blond Slytherin pulled out of him and dropped onto the bed. He pulled Harry down and slung a casual arm over him.

"I'm the only one who makes you feel aren't I?" Draco asked softly.

"Yes you are Draco," Harry said tonelessly.

Harry felt sick. He couldn't remember why he was even doing this anymore, why he was allowing it to happen still. He didn't want this. There had to be other ways to feel. Harry waited until Draco's breathing evened out and was slow and deep. Carefully he moved out from under the arm and healed most of the visible cuts, he could do nothing for the gash which had finally congealed. He slipped back into his clothes, hissing quietly at the contact the cloth made to the raw areas on his body.

Harry opened the passage and left the room quickly, closing it behind him. He stumbled around the hallways in the dungeons. He didn't know why he tried anymore, didn't know why he cared.

A set of footsteps came up behind him and a hand landed on his shoulder. He fell to his knees, the pain too much for him to handle any longer.

"Get up boy," He heard Snape say to him.

He tried but he was so tired. His stomach rolled in waves of nausea. Suddenly he was leaning over to the side of the tiny corridor and throwing up. He heard Snape take a step back but he didn't care about the Potions Professor. He tasted something strange, something metallic. And then he realized it was blood. He reached up to the gash in his head thinking it was bleeding again but it was still congealed. Harry didn't understand where the blood was coming from.

"I swear Potter," Severus muttered. "Lumos," He cast to look at just what Potter had thrown up.

"Damnit Potter," Severus continued muttering and Harry heard him getting farther and farther away. "It's too far to the Hospital Wing. Mobilicorpus."

Harry felt his body lifted up and moving down the corridor after Severus. He woke up again when they were in Severus's private quarters, at least that was Harry's best guess when he looked around.

Severus came up with a vial in hand. He lifted up Harry's upper body and Harry grimaced at the pain.

"Open your mouth boy," Severus said gently and urgently. "You need to drink this to stop the internal bleeding."

Harry complied and drank the entire vial. He said nothing. Severus lowered him and he let out a moan of pain. Severus heard and looked at him carefully.

"Where else are you hurt?" Severus demanded briskly.

"All over," Harry said smiling and cracking his lip open again. "'S nice."

"What have you gotten yourself into now?" Severus asked aloud, not expecting to be answered.

"Tried to feel, he tried to make me feel again," Harry said softly not really paying attention to who was with him. "Didn't work this time, so he tried harder. But I lied. Said I he made me feel."

Severus found his hand reaching up to stroke back the boy's hair. He noticed absently that some of it was matted with blood from his gash and that he still had some blood on his face. Severus got up and returned quickly with a wet wash cloth. Gently he began washing Harry's face clean of the blood, doing as best he could to clean some of the blood out of Harry's hair.

"Feels nice," Harry sighed, slipping back into consciousness.

A foreign feeling clutched at Severus's gut. He didn't understand it. But he pushed it down and ignored it, for the moment he had a patient in critical condition. He toyed with the idea of calling Pomfrey and Dumbledore down to his chambers but he dismissed that idea. He felt confidant enough to deal with Potter on his own, and there were a few things that needed to be discussed that he didn't want Dumbledore or Pomfrey to hear. It was Christmas Break and there were no Gryffindors who had remained over the holidays so no one would report him missing.

Severus transfigured a bed out of one of his chairs sitting by the fireplace. It was a fairly big bed but it was best that way.

He turned his attention back to Harry who lay unconscious on his couch. Carefully he began to undress the boy, going slowly. When he had removed Harry's shirt he could hardly believe the marks he saw there. There were bruises layered on bruises and cuts that had only been congealed with magic so they no longer bled, but nothing had been healed. He paled wondering how much pain Harry had felt while the newest of the cuts and bruises had been administered.

He went into his small storeroom of potions and ointments that he kept in his chambers and came back with several assorted jars and vials. He set them gently onto the table beside the couch. Then he turned back to Harry and finished undressing him. What he found nearly made him go insane with rage but he calmed himself.

Severus found the cracked and bruised sternum and he healed it. He went about, checking over every part of his body, applying ointments and potions as were needed. Once he had gotten to the worst of the injuries and felt satisfied that he had dealt with them as best he could he dressed Harry in some clean pajamas he had and then levitated him into the bed by the fire.

He stayed awake the entire night trying to think of reasons why the boy had allowed it to get this bad. And trying to figure out how he could have missed what had been happening, he had been watching Harry as closely as he could without arousing suspicion. Obviously the boy had wanted no one to know.

Harry woke up some time later and saw Severus sitting in a chair nearby.

"Where am I?" Harry croaked out.

Severus' head snapped up, "You're in my private chambers Potter."

"Oh," Harry said. "Why?"

"You had internal bleeding and passed out in the corridor," Severus said. "And then I found other wounds on you and when I undressed you to put you in some pajamas your entire body was covered in new and old wounds."

"Oh," Harry said.

"Oh indeed Potter," Severus sat up straight in the chair. "Could you explain why?"

Harry debated if he should tell his Professor or not but he decided he didn't care what the man thought of him. It had been his choice, had been what he wanted until the last time.

"He made me feel," Harry said. "The pain was my redemption and punishment. But last night it wasn't. The blood tasted like blood, the pain was just pain and I felt nothing."

"That's not feeling its illusion," Severus looked into the fire.

"I know that now," Harry sat up against the pillows. "That was one of the things he taught me. I think I understand that I can't have the guilt purged from me Professor. I just have to live the best life I can."

Severus nodded.

"You have the option of graduating early," Severus told him. "With the lessons you took over the summer you already know enough to pass your N.E.W.T.s."

"What's the point of graduating early?" Harry asked. "I don't have any plans."

So you can take the time to come up with some plans," Severus said reasonably. "At least think it over."

"How soon could I take my N.E.W.T.s?" Harry looked up at Severus.

Severus fell silent calculating how long it would take him to prepare and oversee the tests, "One month from now should be sufficient, just before and during the Hogsmeade weekend."

Harry nodded slowly, "That sounds good. I think I'm well enough to go up to my dorm now."

"No you're not," Severus countered. "You had some broken bones last night and several other serious injuries. You need to stay in bed for at least another day before you even get up."

Severus gave him another sleeping potion and watched as Harry finally stopped fighting against it and fell asleep. He sat up watching over the boy before finally sucombing to his own exhaustion. When he awoke the bed by the fire was empty. Silently he cursed his lack of attention before spotting the piece of parchment on the pillows.

Professor Snape,

Sir I know you're probably upset that I've left but there were some things I needed to take care of without your interference. I'll probably be late getting back to Gryffindor Tower. If you don't hear from me tonight assume something's gone wrong. I'm off to talk with Malfoy about our arrangement. He taught me a lot you know but you did too. And I will be taking my N.E.W.T.s early. Thanks Sir.

- Harry

Severus snorted to himself. The boy was obviously headed into trouble but at least he knew that Draco would not do anything completely stupid on school grounds. He sat back in his chair, stiff muscles aching but he did not care. Harry had finally learned he needed to live, really live.


End file.
